Banana Money

Last Saturday, I posted for the first time on this blog. Today, I’ve had people ask me why I haven’t posted anything new. Apparently, once you have a blog, you have to deal with issues like ‘regular posts’ and ‘regular readers’ waiting for said posts. Honestly, I’m flattered, but unfortunately, I hadn’t prepared myself for anything today. I’ll post on Wednesday(maybe), and perhaps keep posting on Wednesdays (unless my internet connection decides otherwise). To make up for it, I’ve written this really strange story which is part one of two. I hope you enjoy it, but just in case, I’m not telling anybody that I’ve posted it. I’ll just do it quietly and pray you find it yourself. Or not. It’s kind of a really weird story. Happy reading and cursing at me for wasting your time even though I warned you beforehand.Let’s get to it.
A few days ago, I was watching a movie that I swear I had paid for when I got a call from a friend of mine. I pause my movie to take the call. I’m happy because this particular friend is one I always have fun with. He starts off by saying that the previous weekend was fun, we should do another round just like it, maybe even better. I was way ahead of him, because I’d been planning to top off what we did the weekend before since before the weekend was over. What is that, you ask? You want to know what we’d done the previous weekend? That’s simple. We flew to Switzerland on Friday where we partied for two straight days and came back on Sunday evening. That is exactly what happened and I cannot be disproven. And it must be mentioned that we did the aforementioned partying in a club on a mountain where it was snowing. We did not want to settle for the usual, so we substituted twerking for yodeling. Any girl found twerking was thrown out of the club. There were poles in the club where the girls would just stand and yodel and we’d throw money at them. I love Switzerland.
Where was I? Ah, yes. Doing the weekend bigger. I told this friend of mine that we should go to someplace we’d never been to. I suggested South America because we’d never gone there before. I let him pick the country because I’m so nice. He chose Brazil because where else are you going to go? Ecuador? Wait. Yes. Ecuador. We were going to go to Ecuador. Going to Brazil was too predictable. I hate predictable. Forget everything I said about me being nice, I had to reject his terrible suggestion and impose my own. It was settled. We were going to party in Ecuador that weekend. It was going to be legen-wait for it-I forget what comes next. My memory’s terrible. Just look it up. I hung up the phone, finished watching this movie that, again, I tell you, I spent money on, and then began planning for the weekend. After I drew out the whole budget, from the plane we were going to hire to the matching clothes we were going to wear to the club (these may or may not have included FUBU headbands), I checked inside my pocket for the money to put everything together. That was when things got strange.
I felt around inside my pockets, there was nothing. I checked more and more pockets, each time coming up with nothing. I became desperate and turned my pockets inside out. Nothing but lint and cobwebs that still had the flies in them. I checked my wallet, but as soon as I opened it, a large grey moth flew out. It perched on my bulb to dust itself off then flew away. I looked in all the places I knew I hid money, but nothing was turning up. Nothing but moss and more lint anyway. Tired of scouring the place to no avail, I left, got in the car and drove to the first ATM machine I could find. I slid my card into the slot and entered my PIN. It took a longer time than usual to bring up any options. The word ‘loading’ appeared on the screen, and this was all new to me. “System upgrade”, I thought to myself. I got carried away by a dog that was barking at people outside. I was brought back to reality by a sound that was very familiar. It was the theme song from the popular video game Pacman. What got me the most was where it was coming from. It was coming from the ATM machine. I could not believe what I was seeing. I pressed the ‘back’ button because I did not know what else to do. Also, I refuse to play Pacman without color (ATM machines don’t have color displays, you see) because that’s just evolving backwards. As soon as I pressed the button, a message box appeared and it said “You’re trying to withdraw money but your account is empty. Here’s Pacman since you clearly want to play games with us”.
I was distraught. I was mad. I thought there must have been a mistake. “There must be a mistake”, I said to the bank manager who I went to see without narrating all the details to you. The bank manager was a large man, looked to be about sixty. Or seventy. Ninety. Two hundred. I don’t know. All old people look the same to me. Just know this man was old. He had a bald spot on his head and it was so bald I could see my own reflection in it. I fixed a dent that I noticed in my hair as he checked something on his computer. I was about to take a selfie (with his head as the mirror, of course) when he looked up at me. I put away my phone as he started talking. “Here is a record of your spending as monitored by your cards, debit and credit”, he said, as a baby eagle hatched out of his head. I looked at the screen, and suddenly I realized why I was as broke as those two girls with their show on TV. I don’t remember the name. I told you I have the memory of a sweet potato.
I left the bank almost in tears. I sat on the pavement to let my current predicament sink in, next to the dog that was barking at people. The dog seemed to sense my pain so it moved closer and sat next to me. It placed its head in a way that it was obvious it wanted me to pet it. I began to, as i told it all my problems. The dog seemed nice. The dog followed my whole rant without interrupting. The dog was a good listener, unlike most people I know. I was soon finished with my talking, and the dog began to move backwards. I let go of my grip on the dog, and it took off. What I saw next broke my faith in friendships forever. The dog ran into my car and drove away! Without opposable thumbs! Turns out, when I was petting the dog, it was stealing my keys from my pocket. It stole my car before I even knew its gender. These dogs ain’t loyal. I should do a song about it. Man’s best friend? You lie.
I should tell you what happened to my money. There was a girl, a friend of mine, who had a birthday recently. She was getting presents from her other friends, really flashy presents. Jewelry, World War 2 tanks, high-end clothes, all that. I, being who I am, had to stick out in the midst of all this. I can’t say exactly what I got her because I don’t want you people stealing my ideas, but I’ll just say that if you walk into a friend of mine’s house and she’s got a white tiger from Siberia, assume she got it from somebody who is definitely not me. I do not freely give away possibly endangered species to girls who couldn’t even save their old Barbie dolls from the blender. No, sir. So, anyway, this present I got this friend was very expensive to buy, and even more expensive to maintain. You know – cleaning it, housing it, feeding it and whatnot. I had to finance the gift for life, which is why my trip to Ecuador was looking bleak.
[To be continued]

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