Rise of the Silver Linings

A few days ago, I lost something that I really loved a lot. I will not say what it was, because everybody who reads this will immediately start mocking me. So it’s for me to know and for you to find out and for me to then deny vehemently. Anyway, I told a friend about it and the friend said that I could just get a replacement. After an argument that involved me explaining beyond doubt that the item is irreplaceable, the friend tells me that I always see the bad in everything, never the good. So I took it upon myself to go out into the world (the internet) to find what society is currently complaining about and prove to every one of you that I can also be optimistic when I choose to.

Bandage-mummy_mad-mad-mad-world_1017
“Look on the bright side. At least we don’t have to do dishes for three to six months.”

Dates gone wrong
Why it seems bad:
She finally agreed to go out with you and you were thrilled. You break out those clothes you’ve been saving for this very occasion and make a reservation at the best restaurant your salary will allow (you’ll eventually find out that no matter how much you make, pizza is the most you’re able to spend on without having to sacrifice your rent). You even add flair to it by buying her a bouquet of roses.
Halfway through the date, you realize she’s looking bored and you’re out of things to tell her. All of a sudden, your prayers are answered when some drunk bastard comes bothering her. This is your chance to show her your bravery. You will fight for her honor. But ten minutes later, the drunken bastard is lying dead on the ground, and you’re in handcuffs. This is not how the date played out in your head. Now you’re facing twenty years in prison and to make it even worse, she hasn’t returned your (collect) calls.
Why it’s not so bad:
First of all, you’ll have learnt a lesson on buying a whole bouquet instead of just the single flower because then you’ll have no money for a good lawyer. Also, think of all the tales you’ll have for your fellow inmates when you eventually get to jail. You’ll be the life of the prison party. Every person in there will want to be your friend. It’s your chance to gain all the popularity you never had in school!

And most of them are murderers like you so you'll get along just fine.
And most of them are murderers like you so you’ll get along just fine.

Being broke
Why it seems bad:
You haven’t paid for electricity and you’ve lived in the dark so long you’ve learned to navigate using echolocation. You haven’t paid water bills so long that your metal taps are cracking from dryness like clay. You’re behind on nine months’ worth of rent and you know you’re getting evicted soon but you don’t have a cardboard box to move into so you take all the eviction notices and try to make a paper house out of them. It’s even worse with the food because you’re surviving purely on memory. You had the thought of chicken for lunch but that chicken gave you food poisoning so you’re hurting with no way of getting help. Your girlfriend keeps texting and calling you to hang out but you can’t build the energy to respond. It’s all bad.
Why it’s not so bad:
First of all, this type of suffering builds character and allows you to grow as a person. You’re now skilled in building houses out of paper. And if you think about it, your girlfriend hasn’t left you so you know she loves you for you. Awww. You can also find your way in the dark, so you can totally kill it at one of those reality TV shows that try to use darkness against the participants. You’ll be rich in no time!

Fear Factor, here I come.
Fear Factor, here I come.

Being rich
Why it seems bad:
First of all, you have the proletariat (how fancy) telling you how you can’t buy happiness with all that money you have. Then you have the constant fear that everybody around you is only there because you’re rich and not because they like you. Will you ever have real people in your life? People you can trust? True friends?
Why it’s not so bad:
Friends? Who needs friends when you have all that beautiful money? As far as you’re concerned, they’ll betray you from outside your diamond-encrusted castle where it’s cold and infested with hobos who can see in the dark. Friends. Pfffttt.

These are all the friends you need. Also available on Blu-ray.
These are all the friends you need. Also available on Blu-ray.

Getting rained on
Note: This doesn’t usually come up, but now everybody’s talking about it because it’s been raining hard lately.
Why it seems bad:
You left the house at a time when the sun was hotter than pepper in an oven. As soon as you were just far enough from the house and couldn’t turn back, the heavens opened and it rained meows and woofs. Your everything got messed up and you couldn’t do anything about it because you didn’t go prepared. Tsk tsk tsk.

Why it’s not so bad:
If you’re nine and below, you can make all the ‘wet’ jokes you can. It’s like you hit the pervert jackpot. But if you’re ten and above, you can skip all the nonsense and take the opportunity to let out your frustrations in the form of tears and nobody would ever know. You could cry because Mufasa died in The Lion King. You could cry because everybody dies in Game of Thrones. You could cry because That-Guy-What’s-His-Name died in that horrid The Fault in Our Stars. You could cry because the lunch you just ate had mysterious hair in it. If you don’t have anything to cry about, just cry because YOU’RE GETTING RAINED ON. I guarantee that you will feel so much better when you get home. No one will ever know. Those streaks on your face are just rain.

Like this, only you're sad and alone.
Like this, only you’re sad and alone.

A slow internet connection
Why it seems bad:
We all know how frustrating a slow internet connection can be. All you want is to read quality articles on the internet and watch quality videos on YouTube, but you can’t. A video with a runtime of 3 minutes suddenly takes 30 minutes to buffer, and that is excluding the time taken for the ads to let you skip them.
Why it’s not so bad:
Obviously, the waiting you do builds patience which is a necessary value for human interaction and WHY IS THIS VIDEO TAKING SO LONG TO LOAD? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS PUNISHMENT? WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?
Being ‘friend zoned’
Why it seems bad:
Sigh.
The friend zone. It sucks to be in the friend zone. She put you there because she didn’t want to “ruin a good friendship by dating you”. That’s what she told you. Now she shoves her love troubles in your face day and night. She expects you to give her advice on what to do when her boyfriend is acting stupid, and you give her the best advice you can. Of course the best best advice would be to tell her to dump that jerk and be with you because you won’t treat her like a rug made entirely of toenails, but you hold back because you know. You know you’re never getting out of that friend zone. There have been rare cases of people finding their way out of the friend zone, but you’ll probably never make it. Accept your fate. Do you think life is some romantic comedy where love triumphs? You’ll have to sit there and take it. Giving her advice on how to keep her man while also being the friend who hangs out with her (read: ‘pays for dates and stuff because chivalry’). You can’t leave because you still like her and enjoy her company. So you stay and suffer in silence as you do your best to make sure she’s happy at all times. It really sucks to be in the friend zone. You’re like the boyfriend, only without the benefits.

Pictured: not the benefits.
Pictured: none of the benefits.

Why it’s not so bad:
Sigh.

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19 thoughts on “Rise of the Silver Linings

  1. “You had the thought of chicken for lunch but that chicken gave you food poisoning…”
    It’s decided Kevin, I want your brain. And anyone who knows you knows you’re about as optimistic as an atheist on death row.

    Like

  2. Damn!!!! I wish I could borrow your mind for a day…you are great …really great
    “You haven’t paid for electricity and you’ve lived in the dark so long you’ve learned to navigate using echolocation. You haven’t paid water bills so long that your metal taps are cracking from dryness like clay. “

    Liked by 1 person

  3. huhu kevin, “It’s even worse with the food because you’re surviving purely on memory.”. haha dudeee you are jus an Amazing writer, I think the ‘cat'( you get me) likes the articles more and more coz it will have done you a great deal really, kudos

    Like

  4. Why is everyone calling you Kevin?
    Cheki KJ. umenimalisa!….
    you’ve
    lived in the dark so long
    you’ve learned to
    navigate using
    echolocation…..
    and crying in the rain…
    coz Mufasa died…and everyone in game of thrones. Lol. That’s really hilarious.
    unakaa kufanya hivyo by the way.

    Like

  5. ulalaaaalaaaa..

    I first of all have to commend you for a piece well done,the captions, the pics!!! dude you gomme in dismay rhy here!

    this part got me laughing
    “……… and allows you to grow as a person. You’re now skilled in building houses out of paper. And if you think about it, your girlfriend hasn’t left you so you know she loves you for you” loool..what planet do you live in hahaaaaa

    Like

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