This post is directed towards my schoolmates mostly, but also anybody who hasn’t seen me in a week or more.
I’ve been on break from school since April, that’s over three months now. Naturally, I’ve changed in those three months and this post is meant to highlight the major changes so that I don’t have people realizing things about me three weeks later and telling me about it every day after. I had planned to do this a week before we opened school, but I don’t even know when that is. Everybody in my class has their own version of the correct date. This sort of thing makes me grateful that we’re not studying to become doctors, otherwise the whole world is doomed. Can you imagine this kind of a situation in a hospital?
Nurse: Doctor, doctor! A patient has walked in with a new form of Ebola that’s airborne. We have fifteen seconds to warn everybody to hold their breath!
Doctor 1: I don’t think so. My father invented the new Ebola and he says it takes twenty seconds to spread.
Doctor 2: No. My neighbor had the new Ebola and it took him nineteen seconds to get infected.
Doctor 1: My father invented it! Stop arguing what you don’t know!
Doctor 2: I’m telling you my neighbor… [coughs]
Doctor 1: [nose bleeding] Hmmm…looks like it really was fifteen.
Nurse: Now we only have ten minutes left to live.
Doctor 1: I don’t think so. My father invented it, and he said it’s fifteen…
The conversation goes on until Ebola takes over the world. Those are the people I go to school with.
Those guys suck.
Let’s just get this post over with.
Yes. That’s right. My cooking’s become better. I’ve spent these three months going through recipes in cookbooks by bestselling authors, I’ve been spending time learning the tricks of the trade from those who are experts and I’ve been taking notes from all the episodes of Hell’s Kitchen. Hard work, persistence and determination have made me the culinary great I am today, if I do say so myself.
Today I am no longer the person who couldn’t boil water without setting fire to everything. No. today I am proud to say that I can crack eggs without leaving traces of the shell inside.
Next step: learning how to slice onions into rings.
The first thing you’ll notice about me is that I’ve changed my walking style and stance. This was influenced by the new music that I’ve been listening to. I’ve been watching music videos by Rich Gang – Young Thug in particular – and all other forms of ‘trap’ music [insert middle finger to Kendrick Lamar/J Cole fans here]. This means that I now walk in slow motion at all times. My stance has become one where I don’t move any part of my body except my arms, up and down, also in slow motion.
But to be honest, my walking style wasn’t completely influenced by this music. I walk in slow motion sometimes because I have a back injury, also new, but more on that in the next entry.
My outward appearance
My look hasn’t changed (much). No new piercings, no new tattoos – only the ones I had last semester. A few changes in weight but nothing major, apart from a huge scar on my back.
Allow me to explain. I’ve heard it said before that ‘chicks dig scars’ in exactly those terms. So I said to myself that if that’s what they like, then that’s exactly what they’ll get. I deliberated on where exactly to get the scar until I eventually decided to get one on my back. Totally original. I can’t say how I got the scar, because I hear ladies also love mystery, so I’ll give you three choices to pick from:
- I got a tattoo of a flaming skull with crossbones and an army of zombies in the background but the tattoo artist used highly flammable ink and I ironically caught fire while I was cooking (like a pro of course)
- I fought off a pack of dogs with rabies when they attacked a group of defenseless children and got injured in the process, but the children are safe
- I got the injury while playing rugby and had to get surgery, but it was worth it because I scored the winning try for my team
Caution: Some malicious people will spread rumors that I actually got the scar after getting bit by an angry toddler in the middle of an argument. These are my enemies with their endless lies. Do not believe them.
The scar being on my back will not keep me from displaying it prominently at all times. I thought about making holes in all my clothes to reveal the scar, but I decided that that was just plain stupid. So I have come up with the brilliant idea of showing up to class shirtless every day. Ladies, your dreams are coming true!
Last semester – and basically every day since I joined school – I was the kind of person that sleeps in class. I’ll be the first to admit it was wrong of me. I’ve decided to stop this awful habit from next semester. But even that can’t make up for all the time I spent asleep in class. I’ll go the extra mile and compensate by not sleeping at all. Not once throughout the semester. Not even at night. I’m currently stocking up on coffee
and cocaine so that I won’t even feel sleepy in school.
This, of course, has its challenges. The main one is that I may develop early schizophrenia at my age. But fear not. I have found out that I can keep my mind functioning well by loudly reciting phrases in unfamiliar foreign languages. So don’t be alarmed when you hear someone repeatedly shouting ‘Oringo gbu kwa ewu!’ all over campus at 3a.m.
So, yeah, that’s basically it. The rest isn’t important, it’s just the normal changes that happen to a person in a few months. But some things about me remain the same. Just like last semester, I’ll be in a hat at all times and I’ll continue having a giant crush on absolutely nobody.