Dear Njoki Chege & That Horse You Rode In On

I like you, Evalyne. I like you so much that I know that’s your name. Why don’t you use it? Are you taking a stand against westernization? You should. The West is terrible. Both Kim Kardashian and Donald Trump live there! But let’s save that for later. I’m posting this because of your article about rich kids on Instagram. I especially liked the part where you mentioned a senator and his daughter. She posted a picture on the internet holding a tiny pistol! I say we take time off the terrorist threats to address that tiny pistol.

I like your work. I admire you. I envy you, actually. You’re bold in a way that I could never be. You wear your emotions on your (darkskin) sleeves. You’re brutally honest. Giving teenagers on the internet the cold hard truth. That’s what we need. Not this nonsense of Robert Alai and Boniface Mwangi. Who cares about tyranny? If I was half as forthright as you are, I’d have the girl I like being my girlfriend instead of us dancing around whether or not she even likes me. I also admire how you don’t believe falsities. I say this in regards to how you said that by not taking alcohol, drugs and going to church your life is clean. Just clean. Your lungs/liver won’t be failing anytime soon, eh? Means you don’t believe that’s enough to get you kicked out of hell and into heaven. That’s very mature of you. You also don’t say it makes you better than anyone else, because it doesn’t. Take Biko for instance – you know him, don’t you? I assume you’re friends. He’s better than you in more than a few ways, and he drinks.

But don’t worry. Biko isn’t my favorite. You are. Out of all these bloggers/writers, you are my favorite. This is because you’ve embraced a truth that not many are willing to acknowledge: controversy sells. I’ve been reading your site for ages (a little jealous that you have a .com and I don’t) and I’ve seen your early posts – the ones that you did trying to make the world a better place. Like this one about investment or this one about something to do with pregnancy, I think? Not sure. I was distracted at the time by the newfound knowledge that Colossus will be in the upcoming Deadpool movie.

Psychologists and sociologists also agree that the empty-nest syndrome is a double-edged sword and THEY MADE HIM LARGER THAN HE WAS IN THAT LAST X-MEN MOVIE.
Psychologists and sociologists also agree that the empty-nest syndrome is a double-edged sword and THEY MADE HIM LARGER THAN HE WAS IN THAT LAST X-MEN MOVIE!

Anyway, you realized that nobody really cares about such topics so you decided to make a career out of hating Subaru. And what a career. You have a column in one of the biggest newspapers in the country, everybody knows City Girl. Everybody reads City Girl, where you take shots at kids, believing that it will achieve anything other than gain them more attention. That’s what true journalism is all about – having more clicks than the other guy. Some people may say that you need to tone down your aggressiveness and that way more people will actually listen, but those people don’t have all the ad revenue you must be generating.

Unfortunately, not everyone shares my opinions. Most of my friends have a certain loathing towards your work. This past weekend, they were busy bashing the article. As much as it pains me to admit it, they had a point in most cases. I realized that my admiration for your work blinded me to some of the faulty statements in that post, mainly ‘rich kids are the dumbest children, the weakest in class and the bottom feeders when it comes to academics’. I disagree. There are definitely ‘rich kid’ schools with smart people. I’m talking beating-Alliance-at-Math-and-topping-national-rankings-type smart. And this was at a place where people throw pizza at Range Rovers for fun, and the sight of convertible sport cars had become very dull very fast. But maybe the rich kids you know are different from the ones I know.

After a while, everything resembles a Probox.
With time, everything resembles a Probox.

On weekends, I go for a run or a long walk with my boyfriend…’. Most of my friends say that this boyfriend is non-existent due to your ‘ridiculous’ standards, but I believe he’s 100% real.

Normally, I wouldn’t post this on this blog (ever), but there’s only so much I could say in 140 characters. I also forgot my Twitter password. I’m working on it, but back to you. You said that Twitter is more intelligent than Instagram. I understand why you would say that, but Instagram isn’t all bathroom selfies. There are brilliant photographers there who understand what it’s all about. I think I know the real reason you’re not on Instagram. It’s the same reason I’m not on Instagram. We’re both afraid that our photos won’t be good enough for people to ‘double-tap’. We have that in common. Almost half my face got burned when I was a kid, you’re not nearly as hot as Huddah, it’s okay.

' Hashtag NoFilter' isn't fun when you need all the filters.
‘ NoFilter’ isn’t fun when you need all the filters.

We understand.

Now this, I could double-tap all day, every day, over and over.
Now this, I would ‘double-tap‘ all day, every day, repeatedly.

First of all, to be in your 20s and still depending on mom and dad means only one thing — you are a loser. They didn’t do a good job raising you and you are a failure. You are a loser and a failure and that is pathetic”. People didn’t like that one. I’m sure you’ve heard all the talk about people being ‘full-time students’ and more excuses along that line of thought. I say excuses because that’s all they are. Surely, being a full-time student shouldn’t be an excuse for someone to not work at a well-paying job that buys those X5s of yours at such a young age. Anybody who’s not earning at least millions in their twenties is a failure forever. Take the Kiunas for example. They were getting evicted from their house for failure to pay rent just a few years ago, and their (main) mansion house is still not as impressive as it should be.

I don't see a helipad above that oversize swimming pool. These people have clearly failed at life.
I don’t see a helipad above that oversize swimming pool. These people have clearly failed at life.

Some people say that they’ll depend on their parents well into their late twenties, because they’re studying ‘demanding’ courses. By the way, what is it you’re studying? Somethingsomething Development? I can’t remember the name, because I’ve never heard of it before. My mind is also lazy in that it normally doesn’t recall course names with more than one word in the title. Medicine. Law. Engineering. Architecture. Stuff like that. I’m sorry. If I want to be like you, I have to train my mind to remember more things. Computer Science. Bachelor of Commerce. At this rate, I’ll have yours memorized in just a few months!

“…I got a job at 19 and paid my college fees. And Daystar doesn’t come cheap’. Including that information was a stroke of pure genius on your part. What better way to get these fake entrepreneurs to really work than to show them that it is possible to put yourself through school? Of course I got my first official job when I had just reached 18, on the first try, earning enough to move me to the flashier side of this city. I didn’t even have to show any documents. They were convinced purely on what I showed at the interview. But yours is better because I assume you had a writing gig. You paid for Daystar? Wow. That is amazing. I feel like it’s pure tact when you brag about paying for an expensive school that rarely comes up when people talk about expensive schools. You know, what with Strathmore and a little school called USIU. I am, however, unable to grasp the complete brilliance behind that. Maybe it’s a complex metaphor for economics. Does it have something to do with Wi-Fi? Because the Wi-Fi at Strathmore is terrible compared to Daystar. Every school envies Daystar’s Wi-Fi. Either way, I feel there’s something big behind why you mentioned that. Of course I know nothing about expensive schooling. I graduated high school with grades good enough to get the government to cover most of my tuition fees. All this talk about work makes me want to go back to that job that I quit because I really didn’t need the money.

As always, I learn something new from your articles. This article taught me how to be the kind of man that women like. Now I can rest easy knowing there’s a chance I’ll date your daughter when I’m 60, like you do. I’m sure you’ll approve. This time, I learned how I’ll raise my own children. I’ll force them to become independent early on in life. That way, they can live good lives should something happen to me, such as me spontaneously deciding to elope with a 20 year old girl when I’m 60.

What do you mean
What do you mean “you’re unable to care for yourself from a ridiculously young age”? You have two arms like everybody else, you lazy slob.

PS Pass my kindest regards to your boyfriend, his wife and children.

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35 thoughts on “Dear Njoki Chege & That Horse You Rode In On

  1. Hahaha I used to like her but that particular article on the rich kids, didn’t augur well with me. I think her bitterness on issues is what always made us read her articles but eish! She should try something new, like preaching the good news. I will only read her articles if she writes something positive. That said, I rest my case.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. ng. I feel like it’s pure tact when you brag about paying for an expensive school that rarely comes up when people talk about expensive schools.

    did you just troll Daystar…haha

    Liked by 1 person

  3. ”Pass my kindest regards to your boyfriend, his wife and children”
    You didn’t think you’d get away with that, did you?
    All my life reading I’ve never come across a more indifferent sarcasm disguised as praise.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Kevin you said it all.. hihi but the bit about you eloping with her daughter, dare I not even think of you doing it.. huhu !!I will haunt you down you two… *insert evil laughter*

    nice article once again .. I hope she read this

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you
      I doubt she’s seen it since I’ve disabled sharing in this post.
      Okay. I won’t elope with her daughter. I’ll stick around because I’m afraid of your wrath. But if I do run away with her, it’ll be to some place where nobody can ever find us *insert more evil laughter*

      Like

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