If we were having coffee, we’d most likely be having it within campus grounds. I prefer not to go out because wearing clothes isn’t on my list of priorities.
If we were having coffee, you would be surprised by just how much sugar I take. Couple that with how many cups of coffee I drink in one sitting and you’ll know why my parents considered changing my name to Diabetes when I was a child. You’d tell me to go easy on the coffee, but I’d tell you that I’ve been drinking coffee since childhood because the adults I grew up around were usually bad at hiding stuff.
If we were guzzling coffee like gas in a Hummer, we’d talk about movies and shows. You might have never watched any of the movies I watch, because I’m trying to catch up on the ones I missed years ago before I watch the new releases. Chinatown, anyone? Talk about series and TV shows should be easier, because I’m not watching most of the old ones. I’d try my best to get you to watch Breaking Bad so I can then get you to watch Better Call Saul. Maybe you won’t like series that become slow-paced during many episodes, because you’re impatient and a horrible person, so I’d try to convince you to watch Futurama or South Park. I’d also spend a good amount of time arguing why you probably can’t get me to watch anything without at least fifteen explosions within each of the first three episodes.
If we were dousing our insides in caffeine, we’d be abusing the hell out of the Wi-Fi. This is me making up for all the months I was in school without a reliable Internet connection. I browse the web even when I don’t want to, so we’d find ourselves watching funny videos from Jimmy Kimmel Live, then keep clicking on the suggestions until we get to a video depicting a possibly demonic Mickey Mouse cartoon, at which point the awkwardness in the room will have increased to the extent that it is visible as a red plume of smoke. I’d then be unable to improve the mood because the first topics I’d think of wouldn’t last very long. I couldn’t talk about home, because I haven’t called to check up in a while. I also couldn’t show you funny content on Collegehumor because I’d get distracted by the video game and movie references and get lost in ‘research’. This means that you’d be the one to change the subject. The first thing you’d do is ask why there’s fragments of broken mirrors all over my room – 100 percent chance we’re having coffee in my room, because new environments aren’t my thing for now – to which I’d reply that the mirror was broken in an accident and is the reason I hadn’t let anyone in between then and the moment you came over. I’d say that I saw it as an opportunity to spread mirrors all over the room to deter vampires from visiting, which is convenient because it saves me the money I used to spend on garlic. I would forget to mention that I used to rap shirtless to Ludacris songs while standing in front of that mirror, but that now my entertainment comes from flashing people outside because I have large windows. In a way, consider it my revenge on society for keeping me up at night with their loud sports cars.
If we were chugging coffee like kids chug beer, we’d probably have something to go with it. Maybe I’d get buttered scones for you and Sprite for myself, because it seems like Sprite’s the only thing I consume lately. If I could cry (I can’t), I suspect it would be Sprite flowing out of my tear ducts. I’d take a sip of coffee and wash it down with cans of Sprite as I tell you how different people seem after four months of being away and think to myself that perhaps I’ve also changed but don’t know it.
Alternatively, if we were blowing my life savings on beverages, I’d brew you a cup, get you scones then sit at my laptop and yell, trying to figure my way around implicit parallelism in Axum.
In response to Writing 101’s prompt, update your readers over a cup of coffee.