Going through the month of January is much like walking barefoot on a bed of red-hot coal. Unless you’ve undergone years of hard training (in the ancient art of being cheap) under the watchful eye of a sensei in the mountains of Tibet, it’s a pain. Said pain is caused by the occurrence of multiple holidays so close to each other that eventually lead up to a new year, which humanity still celebrates for some reason despite the fact that it has been through many of them. The exact number varies depending on whether you align yourself with an invisible, probably bearded man in the sky or a bearded man that died in England one hundred and thirty years ago. That makes anywhere between six thousand and four billion new years.
Why is Humanity still excited by this? Who knows?
Welcome to another exciting episode of January, where Humanity’s pockets are agonizingly empty and there’s a breeze forming inside them which threatens to turn into a full-blown tornado if nothing is done about it soon. Prepare to witness Humanity’s fraught improvisation as it cooks leather jackets for sustenance. When it runs through all leather outfits in its closet, it’ll have to resort to setting elaborate traps all over its hometown to catch small animals and unsuspecting members of the public for food. Humanity has reached a point of desperation whereby all arguments posed and eyebrows raised against cannibalism merely serve to add flavor to its excellently prepared hominid tikka with opposable thumbs and potatoes on the side. You know how the saying goes; desperate times call for extra seasoning.
Humanity has found itself having to make sacrifices to offset the effects of buying so many gifts for its loved ones over the festive season. To begin with, Humanity had to forego its sleek titanium smartphone — the one with 4G LTE™, cameras and Gorilla Glass™-protected HD AMOLED™ screen with a range of over sixteen million colors — and opt for the simpler Siemens DSU-X9TY0K with FM radio, SMS capability, two entire display colors (it’s not black and white; it’s black and green. That’s different) and an extendable antenna! Moreover, Humanity is no longer spotted at the clubs “popping bottles” like it used to in its heyday of five weeks before. The only drinks Humanity has on weekends now are the mouthfuls of water it takes when it raids the neighbor’s rain gauge on Saturdays while appreciating the fact that its neighbor luckily happens to be a meteorologist.
Humanity’s new-found inability to “mak£ it rain in da club” has taken a toll on its social life. Humanity has been steadily drifting away from what is called its SQUAAAD(!). They were only able to meet on such nights, but the times have gotten hard, and the club has strict regulations against bringing weather equipment (see: rain gauge above) into the establishment. Thus, they’ve found themselves having to languish separately in their own emaciating little corners of the world.
Still on the subject of Humanity’s withering social circles, the trying times have brought out the worst in some of the people it knows. But of all the backs turned on Humanity, none stings as painfully as ATM’s. When ATM abandoned Humanity, its world came crashing down. Once upon a time, they were inseparable, like they were welded together by the blacksmith of BFF-hood. Now, ATM wants nothing to do with Humanity. Every time Humanity greets ATM (with a PIN code), the reply comes back cold, reading something along the lines of “Seen at 11:34 am”.
This has resulted in Humanity being forced to give up some of its leisure activities, especially movies. You should be warned that you shouldn’t mention movies to Humanity. After all, they’re the primary reason Humanity ate its girlfriend for dinner last night, and not in the good way. Humanity has spent an obscene amount on movies, gathering trivia for a blog whose audience couldn’t be bothered by the reasons why Christoph Waltz wasn’t in The Hateful Eight. Since forfeiting cinemas, Humanity has chosen to spend its time with the more economical “watching birds in the sky”.
So far, Humanity stands a chance of survival against the ruthless January. But, alas, with the Air Jordan XXX being released in February, there is little hope for Humanity’s future, not with the continued existence of Michael Jordan’s unrelenting mission to take absolutely all the money.