Heat, Heat, Hooray!

Did you catch the Oscars? Big night. Lots going on. If I were to put down my thoughts on the whole thing, I’d need a separate dedicated site. But I cannot ignore the highlight of the event, which was Leonardo DiCaprio’s win. After all these years, they finally decided to give the man his award. Caught everyone off guard. I mean, his competition was the very baity Bryan Cranston playing a blacklisted screenwriter suspected of being a communist in the 1950s and 60s, Eddie Redmayne as the transgender center of a romantic film, Matt Damon as a witty scientist stranded alone on Mars and Michael Fassbender as Steve Jobs. Dicaprio’s character merely ate raw fish. He had failed to win in previous years with critic/Academy favorites James Cameron, Martin Scorsese, Christopher Nolan or Quentin Tarantino. Things weren’t looking good. But just like his character in The Revenant, he beat all the odds and everyone at the event looked like they were about to break down if they hadn’t already.

We’re just disappointed his speech didn’t include him flipping everyone off.

I’m betting DiCaprio himself didn’t think he’d win. You could tell by his acceptance speech; that was not the speech of a hopeful person. That speech was more impromptu than the one I gave last year about methods of socioeconomic analysis developed in Germany and the Soviet Union. (Corporate executives aren’t “indigenous people of earth”? What does that even mean, Leo?) But as he was fumbling through his speech, he talked about climate change, and that’s what prompted this post.

Okay. No. Please don’t leave. No, stay. No, it’s not you. It’s me. But this is serious; we need to address it. I’ll try harder. Give me a chance. I promise I won’t leave the toilet seat up roll out boring statistics on you.

DiCaprio said that 2015 was the hottest year in recorded history. I looked it up, and it turns out that the previously hottest year was 2014 – years are breaking the previous years’ heat records now. At this rate, it’s not long before we all cook. Prior to learning this, I didn’t care about climate change. I’d accepted that global warming exists (thank you, Reddit threads that make fun of Al Gore!), but I didn’t think it’d develop fast enough to affect me. I don’t care for future generations because they’re not me. I’ll be long gone by then, anyway. As a matter of fact, due to my sugar and cholesterol intake, I probably won’t be around for most of my own children’s milestones like their first heartbreak, first fracture, first premature ejaculation and first time getting arrested.

…and getting an education…or whatever.

But now, the change is real. For instance, last year, I only remember feeling cold once, and that’s because the world’s coldest heart was right next to me and YOU PROMISED WE’D LAST FOREVER! YOU SAID WE’D GROW OLD TOGETHER!

At first, it seemed like a good thing. Days get hotter so people flock to public swimming pools to cool off like wildebeest in the savannah or a chicken that came back to life while on a grill. Then I’d go to the pools and use the scene-appropriate “Why are you all wet, baby?” line on women.

Warning: Do not use “Why are you all wet, baby?” to start flirting – you will get slapped for being lewd because they won’t recognize the movie you’re quoting from.

These days, the heat’s gotten worse. There was a time when I only sweated while working out (these abs don’t just happen) or while eating hot spicy food (these rolls of fat on my neck don’t just happen). Now I sweat in my sleep. I don’t know when it started becoming hot at 3 a.m., but I find myself regularly waking up drenched in sweat, looking like I almost drowned in the swimming pool I was banned from a week ago, spending entire nights fanning myself with all these books I don’t read because no, I’m not buying a fan. I’ll bake in the sun and turn into a fine loaf before I drop money on a fan or a cold refreshing beverage when I can innovate.

My current response to “What that mouth do? ;)” is “Blow a steady breeze to provide a cost-effective cooling mechanism.”

Maybe I’m overreacting about equinox, but the heat makes one crazy, I say!

I’d always thought such heat was reserved for really dry areas such as Lodwar or Nevada or feet that haven’t been introduced to the moisturizing capabilities of Nivea hand and body lotion. This bothers me. Anything that interrupts my sleep bothers me. We’re not even halfway through the year.

Look. Look. Look. Despite what Wall-E or Interstellar showed us, we have no means of relocating to another planet. We can’t even land on Mars yet (Matt Damon’s space potatoes were a lie!). If earth becomes uninhabitable, that’s it for us. One day we’re unable to sleep, the other we’re simultaneously drowning and boiling to death – because ocean levels are also rising. We’re gone and the insects take over. It’s embarrassing for the human race to be outlasted by earthworms.

Maybe I’m legitimately concerned about the environment, maybe I’m just complaining because I miss sleeping under my Penguins of Madagascar duvet, but something’s got to be done soon. Plant a tree. Ride a bicycle to work. Do something.

“Why are you all extinct, baby?”

UPDATE: Turns out we still have a lot more years left on this floating rock we call home, even though March did turn out to be the hottest month on record like I predicted. Thank you, Earth’s Orbit for not making a beeline straight into the sun.


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