Big Year In Titles

The so-called festive season stopped meaning much to me a long time ago. When I was younger, I thought it was all about celebrating the birth of a supposedly blue-eyed man with a perm and a bit of a temper. Now I know it’s a ruse that enables Hollywood to keep making money off Home Alone and It’s A Wonderful Life. Now I don’t celebrate December 25th or 31st as much as I used to. I spent the 25th and 31st of December 2014 playing Saints Row IV and Tomb Raider respectively. 2015’s 25th and 31st were respectively spent watching cartoons and writing poetry sick rhymes for my upcoming mixtape, drops later this year, it’s going to be hotter than summer with malaria (leaked lyric from one of the tracks to get you hyped). I don’t make resolutions either, because I’m perfect the way I am.

Why, of course I’ll keep wearing pajamas to class. How nice of you to ask.

This is why I don’t have a crazy story about how I got wasted and woke up on 1st January 2016 in some hotel room in Guatemala with a tattoo of Peter Griffin on my face, six of my fingers missing and an unconscious gigolo named Alejandro on the floor. You’ll have to wait untilRead More »

Elton Dido December

What is glass?

Glass is a lot of things. It’s what you graduate to when you’re considered too old for a plastic sippy-cup. It’s what Cinderella’s slipper was made of in that story you still hang on to, believing Prince Charming is coming one day to save you from your unappreciative relatives with their bad grammar and poor taste in movies. But most importantly, it’s that thing they put in windows so you can see outside (or inside, my stalky friend) without having to worry about you or your loved ones falling through to a very undignifiedRead More »

RoboHobo Pudding

“It’s hard out here for a pimp” is the phrase I’ll use to start this post. I found myself thinking about it a while back. It’s the title of a song that the Academy saw fit to give the Oscar for Best Original Song in 2006 despite the concept being older than that moldy bread Methuselah’s grandfather found under his bed as a child. The Academy has been known to make some bad decisions. After all, they were the brilliant bunch that decided to give the award for Best Picture in 1994 to Forrest Gump instead of Pulp Fiction or at least The Shawshank Redemption. Don’t get me wrong – I have nothing against Forrest Gump, I just think it lacked a certain edge that is characterized by a Morgan Freeman narration or Samuel Jackson quoting Bible verses and shooting people. No amount of on-screen junk food couldRead More »

Decoding a Crack-Pot

I’m a simple person. I lead a simple life. My days are usually “wake up, don’t spend money, don’t die, repeat”. Truth be told, I don’t even have much of a personality. The closest I ever come to having character traits is when someone tells me something like, “You look like you have weed in that backpack. Can I have some?” So you can imagine my surprise when a test told me I actually have a personality, and proceeded to label it with an acronym and four entire adjectives, ENTP, which stands for Extraverted iNtuitive Perceiving Thinking. They say it’s ENTP instead of EITP, so you know they know exactly what they’re doing. Come with me as I very lazily try to find out how accurate the test was.Read More »

SpellCheck Krueger

The night was warm as the combined personalities of a hundred fairy-tale grandmothers. There was a slight draft reminiscent of the slow breathing of a sleeping baby during those few moments where it isn’t driving its parents and all the neighbors insane with its endless bawling. Being the city, the night sky wasn’t starry. It was a color somewhere between red and orange. The best way to describe it was “someone left Donald Trump out in the sun too long again”.

I was seated on my bed, in my pajamas, staring at a notebook I had filled with numbers while calculating the advisability of betting my life savings on Juventus F.C. I heard something scrape against the window and turned my head

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Textual Healing

The story starts on a Wednesday morning. The sun is rising over the horizon, contemplating whether to shine pleasantly or scorch everything from rage because the previous day someone had said that it looked bigger. Sun doesn’t like people pointing out its size. It’s not the carbs, it’s just summer, Sun believes. The birds are outside, singing their songs as usual, making merry, oblivious of the fact that at least five of them will not make it to the next day, since they will have become the meal of some stealthy cat. The leaves on the trees sway in rhythm to the morning breeze. At least, that’s what they want you to think. The leaves are actually trembling in fear because fall begins in a few weeks. Their lush green shall become a rusty brown and they shall be added to the compost heap after some minutes of having children frolic in them and a few girls take pictures of them and upload them to their Instagram with the caption ‘dead leaves on fleek‘ accompanied by a slew of hashtags that gradually become more ridiculous and unrelated to the photo.

Our hero is in his bedroom, but he isn’t asleep. He’s awake because he didn’t go to bed in the first place. He was up all night doing research onRead More »

Qu’est-ce que c’est?

Doctor: How are you feeling today?

Me: [shrugs shoulders]

Doctor: I see. What can I do for you?

Me: Don’t know.

Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Lots. Changes. Things.

Doctor: I noticed.

Me: What did you notice?

Doctor: Well, for starters, your feet are on the couch for the first time. You must be getting used to this place. Your shoes are still on. I bet my dry cleaner will love sending me that bill.

Me: My shoes are clean. My shoes are always clean. My shoes are dirt-repellent. Don’t blame me for Read More »

Blue Chips

The showers at my school are small. So small that I once stopped to ask myself does this stall make me look fat? Before I got into these showers, I had no idea I could be claustrophobic. The walls are so close together and whenever your body comes in contact with them, you cringe at the thought of how many times they might’ve been peed on. All the shower-heads are missing, so the showers aren’t so much showers as they are high taps that create what feels like a mini-waterfall from Alaska trying to push you to the ground by force, much like an angry freezing police officer. The curtains won’t stay in place either, and it seems like gravity in there works sideways trying to get you to be an exhibitionist. Anyone who’s watched The Shawshank Redemption, American History X, that one episode of The Boondocks or any prison movie would understand why I’m not too fond of taking showers in a stall that doesn’t come with a steel door. I’m usually in there being uneasy – because I feel trapped, the curtains slide like children at a playground, and I can’t deal with what happened to Edward Norton in that movie. This place is very hot, meaning I sweat a lot, so avoiding showers is not an option. I have tried to deal with this by taking showers when there’s not a lot of people around. I might wake up in the middle of the night or walk out in the middle of the class where the lecturer’s making really awkward sexual jokes trying to win our affection. I’ve lost count of all the times people were in class while I was on my bed with aRead More »

Woza, Kukhona Ikhofi

If we were having coffee, we’d most likely be having it within campus grounds. I prefer not to go out because wearing clothes isn’t on my list of priorities.

If we were having coffee, you would be surprised by just how much sugar I take. Couple that with how many cups of coffee I drink in one sitting and you’ll know why my parents considered changing my name to Diabetes when I was a child. You’d tell me to go easy on the coffee, but I’d tell you thatRead More »

Dragons & Naked Girls

In four months of being on break from school, I’ve had a few things happen to me. The one event that stands out the most is when I found out that I’ve been pronouncing Nike wrong all my life, which is weird because I’ve been wearing Nike since before I was born (my mother had Nike running shoes when she was pregnant with me). This is EXACTLY like being married to someone for decades, cheating on them – with Converse and flip-flops – and not even knowing their name. The other big thing that happened was season two of True Detective which was just awful. Because I’m unable to decide between posting an apology to Michael Jordan and throwing shade at HBO, I’ll just do a post about the next best thing.

In the few hours that I’ve been back in school, I’ve been reminded about that time I decided toRead More »